I hate you, don’t leave me

I hate you, don’t leave me, I push you away when what I really want is for you to reach out to me. I say I no longer trust you, as a bid to get you to reach out to me, paranoid I have ruined our relationship, trying my best to put things right, but in reality I cant see the light. Losing trust in you, because you haven’t picked up on my cue, when in reality your just human, a fear of abandonment so strong, it breaks me everytime you don’t answer me. Sending message likes there is no tomorrow in the hope at some stage you will answer me, our relationship probably ruined for good, because my brain decided it needed to push you away. Please reach out to me, don’t leave me.

Autism and me

What is autism like for me?
Autism for me means intensity, everything is more intense every sound, every smell, every piece of social interaction.
Autism for me means, an overwhelming need for structure and routine and any change for me causing massive amounts of anxiety.
I often feel like I’m in a foreign country, with people I don’t understand, my own little world, my comfort blanket, my only sense of security, this is what autism is like for me.
Dogs predictable, comforting and something i feel a connection to something that almost seems impossible to achieve with humans.
Shutting off the world, people having to repeat what they say, this is what a bad day with autism is like for me.
Days where i can’t physically speak even to the people closest to me, you see speech doesn’t come naturally to me, I can’t verbalise my feelings easily, this is what autism is like for me.
Stressed, Pacing, trying to self soothe, you see this is something I need to settle as this is what autism means for me.
Very few friends due to the fact i struggle socially, you see this is the difficulties autism brings for me.
Needing constant reassurance due to my anxiety you see this is what autism means for me.
Meltdowns when things get to much, hurting the people closest to me, you see this is what autism causes for me.

My uncle 💔💔

2 months ago you left this world, you are no longer in any pain, but im sitting here wondering if the pain I’m feeling with you now gone will ever go away.
I’m so sad, i’m physically unable to cry, trying to carry on as normal and trying to stay strong, but every day that passes, it gets harder. What i wouldn’t give to hold you one more time, tell you i love you, and talk to you for hours like we used to. You were not just my uncle, you were one of my best friends, my biggest supporter and my hero. I just want to curl up in bed all day, but im so desperately trying to stay strong.
Its hit me like a ton a bricks, you’re gone, your never coming back, there is a whole in my chest the size of your fist. And there’s fragments of glass, lodged in my throat, making every breath harder and everyword a little bit shakier. There is a storm forming behind my eye lids, threatening to pour. My heart has shattered and the closest broom feels a thousand miles away. Trying to act okay and act like im not struggling when actually i feel like my whole world is crumbling around me, my heart is broken beyond repair while time might ease the pain that hole will always be there. You always meant so much to me and always will do, i cant imagine going through the rest of my life without you by my side, i guess all i can do is strive to make you proud. Usually you help me through the toughest of times and this is so hard not having you hear by my side.
A beautiful memory dearer than gold of an uncles whose worth can never be told. There is a whole in my heart, no one can fill. I miss you uncle and always will. The 29th of april would have been your birthday and this day will never be same, what i wouldn’t give to celebrate it with you again.

HOW DO I FEEL

How do I feel? I wish I knew

I feel so empty yet so full of emotion, like the smallest thing could push me over the edge. What do you do when there is nothing but pain left inside you, and what of everything we where looking for only existed in our dreams, how do you explain something you don’t even know yourself. I think I hit the point in life where I’m just done, I cried, I thought, I tried but everything is crashing down, my demons are screaming louder trying to eat away the rest of me, and this time I’m not sure I’m strong enough to fight back

Do you ever getting the feeling that this life isn’t yours? That you have no control? That everyone around you is living and your just breathing, watching and waiting? This is my everyday right now.

Everything seems to be exhausting me, not matter how much sleep I get or how long I lay down, something inside of me seems to have given up, my soul is tired. I realise that I have stopped living life. I’m literally just trying to get to the next day, I’m not living I’m waiting but I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for, I’m kinda scared of what it might be

I have this overwhelming anger hanging over me, anger that he’s no longer here, anger that I didn’t see him for a while before he took his last breaths, trying to find someone to blame but knowing it’s nobody’s fault. Today I cannot find peace, I’m heart broken. I don’t know how to react to this situation part of me wants to isolate myself, part of me wants to kick off, part of me wants to be good, but all of me knows nothing I do will bring him back which is ultimately what all of me wants, this is all just confusing.
I hate the feeling when I really don’t have any emotion, I feel so empty, I’m not happy, I’m not sad I’m nothing, my mind is spinning but I can’t feel anything.
I wasn’t ready for him to leave I really wasn’t, i get home from college to be told he is gone. A piece of my heart is now missing a piece so very special, when he died it was the biggest shock of my life, nothing prepared me for it, I live each day wondering how I will get through but then I remember he would want me to. I’m sick of having to act strong when inside I’m breaking down.

I’m sorry for being a pain I just don’t know how to react to the situation I’m currently in.Someone help me work out how to deal with this.

Autism and covid 19

A little change, my heart starts racing, my anxiety hits full force, reassurance needed to realise this small change isn’t the end of the world and that i can handle it. Lockdown causes my whole world to change, constantly on edge, feeling like I’m drowning from all the uncertainty around me, not knowing how to cope, anxiety sky high, starting to shut down, no college, no seeing family, no cuddling my puppy, having to work from home, all to much for me to deal with, trying to find a new way of living with no certainty about when things will go back to normal whilst trying to grieve at the same time, no one gets how hard it is to act strong all the time. Sometimes being autistic is a massive curse, especially when there is so much change throughout the whole earth.

Wanting to talk

Why is it so hard to explain to people exactly how I feel? Wanting to talk to someone but not knowing how to ask to. Being so anxious about upcoming events that I’m mentally drained but not knowing how to explain it to people. Exams, work experience, the thought of it all is causing me massive anxiety, but I don’t want to admit it as it makes me feel weak. Worried I will either not get into my exams or if I will put so much pressure on myself I will crack and still fail. Not trying seems like the easiest option because if I try and then fail I will take it really hard and then stop trying anyway and not trying will cause me less pain. I don’t know how to get over my fear of failing, to decrease the chance of failing. I really want to pass my exams this year, I want it more than anything, yet I don’t know how to get it. It’s extremely frustrating. I wish I could just make my fear of failure go away.

Social anxiety

In a crowd, feeling like you’re going to suffocate, feeling like everything is closing in on you, your whole body going tense, ringing in your ears, head feels like its spinning, trying to hold back a panic attack, not wanting to look weak, not being able to speak. Feeling like everyone is staring at you, judging you, seeing you as weak, feeling like your losing feeling in your hands and feet. Your adrenaline is pumping, your heart is beating fast, wanting to run away but not being able to move, trying so hard to self soothe.
Desperately wanting to socialise but that little voice in your head telling you just to stay in bed, thinking you can hear people calling your name, then realising that its just in your head. Trying to silence that voice in your head, wanting a break from the constant whirlwind of thoughts going around your head. Making excuses for not doing things that make you anxious when really its just because you cannot fight that voice in your head.
Needing constant reassurance from the people you trust, needing to know they are there, constantly saying sorry because you are worried about losing the few people you like the best.

Social skills and asd

Social skills for me is something I have always struggled with in many ways ,some of these ways are eye contact, verbally communicating, knowing when to talk and friendships. The biggest thing I struggle with is saying no to people when they ask me to do something u shouldn’t. I used to really struggle with this and it used to drive school staff mad, but after a lot of 1-1 work with my keyworker on it I got better one of the strategies I used was if someone asked me to do something I shouldn’t I wouldn’t say no I was just say that my keyworker wouldn’t let me and I can’t let her down. Eye contact is something I really struggle with on the odd occasion I will give eye to someone I’m comfortable with and feel safe with but if I don’t know you I’m unlikely to give eye contact one of the ways I deal with this is to look at either the mouth or the nose. I struggle to communicate verbally so I write emails and blog posts to express how I’m feeling and I sometimes write how I am feeling on a piece of paper and hand it to a trusted adult, if there has been an incident or I have had a meltdown afterwards I would write about what happened and send it or hand it to a trusted adult. I have always struggled with friendships and understanding when they are becoming to intense so to deal with this I make sure I get breaks from friends, I suffer with social burnout as I like to call it, if I spend a day around people I need 2 days to recover and I make sure I allow myself that recovery period . I have always struggled with knowing when to talk and I used to constantly talk over people and it used to cause lots of issues but my strategy now for dealing with that is when someone has stopped talking I try and give it 4-5 seconds before I speak so I can be sure they have finished speaking.

Grief and asd

I would like to talk a little bit about autism and grief.

Yesterday I found out someone who I was close to passed away, I didn’t cry, I didn’t really get angry, I just found, that my sensory issues became more pronounced, for example every little noise was bothering, lights seemed brighter than normal, jeans which I spend my life in where irritating me, even my Xbox light was hurting my eyes. Us autistics do feel grief but we deal with it in different ways, for me it was and still is increased senses, increased anxiety, and increased need for special interests.

How do you or anyone you know deal with grief?

So for your information I was at a very good asd school, and unfortunately the head of the 6f there passed away with cancer last week.

He was the most amazing sen teacher you will ever meet, he treated us like we where his own celebrate every little milestone with us, helped us through the meltdowns and anxiety we all faced daily, did everything he could to make sure our school lives where a success and we could reach out full potential, nothing was to much to ask, he came into school with chemo bags on and only had one week off after a major operation to remove some of his back muscles, to keep our routine the same and to be there for us, even though he was usually the one that got the brunt of our emotions and had to pick up the pieces when things went wrong, us students came before his own health. He is a hero to many

So R.I.P Mr F
You where the calm in our storm
The up when we where down

Keep being amazing up there, you have 100+ students down here that lives have been changed for the better by you, you will live on in all of us and we will make you proud.

Freedom

A lot of people hope for freedom in everyday life situations the only freedom I hope for is from my own mind, I constantly feel like I’m trapped, trapped in a mind that makes everyday life and things most people take for granted so difficult, for example I would love to be able to just go into a shop on my own and not having to worry about shutting down or not being able to speak something which atm seems so far away. I’m trapped in my mind. A lot of people reach my age and are independent they can just go out, but my own mind stripped me from that freedom. Most people can go into any situation and speak but my mind doesn’t allow me that freedom.
I hate it, I hate being trapped in a mind that causes everything to be so difficult, everything to seem so scary, and makes me feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a foreign country, wanting to do something but your own mind stopping you, yes one day I hope I can get freedom from the anxiety and stress I face every day, but to me this is my normal, it’s all I know so maybe this is my freedom, my freedom to shut people out, the freedom to shut away from the world and the freedom to put everything into my special interests.