Eternal hell

Living in my head feels like eternal hell,nothing less, confusion, anger, pain, hurt, never knowing how I’m going to feel one moment to the next, I feel so misunderstood, analysing everything, feeling like a burden to everyone I meet, nothing gives me pleasure, sometimes I get so happy it leads to extreme anxiety and I end up hurting myself which hurts those I care about, then I become riddled with guilt. I can’t even trust my own emotions, constantly paranoid that my mood is going to drop.

You don’t know pain until you’re staring at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face and your begging yourself to just hold on and be strong.
I’m so tired and confused…… I don’t know what to do anymore, and I’ve never felt so alone in all my life. I feel so disconnected from the world, I feel like I’m only breathing not living.

Some days, I feel everything at once, other days, I feel nothing at all . I don’t know what’s worse drowning beneath the waves or dying from the first. I’m like 104% tired. Physically I’m here mentally I’m far far away.. I’m hurting so bad inside I just wish you could see how much things are effecting me, I’m falling apart and I can feel every little piece hitting the ground and it’s killing me. I’m terrified that even if I try my hardest it’s still not good enough, I’m sick of never being good enough and I’m done trying to be.

I act like I’m fine, I run and joke around but deep inside I’m breaking down

Right now I am a mixture of very happy and very sad. And I’m trying to figure it all out, all these feelings and emotions and words and thoughts,and what they all mean. Everything I feel is a contradiction of itself and I do not understand any of it, I’m just trying to survive in this confusing world, this is breaking me.

Self destruction is the only way I know how to cope, but every time I relapse the overwhelming sense of failure consumes me, the fear of the people I trust hating me because I have relapsed,makes the cycle start all over again, I truly cannot win.

Not being able to stay stable for a whole day.


I’m mentally broken, slowly losing my mind. How can I feel like I’m drowning when there is no water around me?

Just because I don’t always speak doesn’t mean I have nothing to say

7 months ago I left the safety and security of my autism specific school to transfer to a mainstream college, to say I was anxious is an understatement, this was going to be one of the biggest changes of my life not only did the fact this was a big change cause extreme anxiety, the fact that I was leaving my whole support system behind caused the most anxiety ever in my life, 6 weeks after leaving my sen school I started at my mainstream college, and It was like everything that causes anxiety all together in one place, the sounds, the people, the change, which all caused such anxiety that I physically couldn’t speak, my hoodie was the only thing that was giving me any sense of safety, I completely went into my own little world, I couldn’t process any information, it was like a constant sensory overload, my whole body felt weird, I knew what I needed but I wasn’t in a place where I could get what I needed, I couldn’t verbalise what I needed, for over a week I wandered around endlessly unable to self soothe, close to a meltdown but having to suppress it, something I have never been able to do ever in my life, at first this whole college thing was harder than I had ever imagined, but this feeling didn’t last as long as I expected soon I realised it wasn’t that bad, it was manageable and most importantly I had access to all the support I needed, a few weeks on from starting college, I realised it’s the best thing I have ever done in my life, that it really wasn’t as scary as I first thought, did this realisation completely stop all anxiety? No, it didn’t, will it ever stop all anxiety? No, I highly doubt it, Will I still have bad days? Yes always, do I have the support and strategies to manage those bad days? Yes, do I love what I am doing? Yes, was this change so bad? No, will this ever been stress free? No, was this change a good thing? Yes. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is no matter how hard change is at first, in the end it almost always turns out to be something positive, so yes change is scary, yes it causes unmeasurable amounts of anxiety and yes, it is needed and a crucial part of life and growing up. Life is full of changes expected and unexpected, some harder than others but ALL have a purpose. Everyone in life has to find their own path in life and when you find the right path for you, you will thrive no matter how hard getting on that path, I mean difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations right? Whatever path you choose in life will be difficult, but honestly who likes easy? Easy is boring. So to anyone facing major changes in there life, you can do it, its happening for a reason that might not yet be seen, but its all a part of taking the best path in life and making you the best person you can be.

My thoughts are my enemy

Let me tell you how it feels , to worry all the time,to feel as if your trapped, a constant wall that stops you in your tracks and then the panic sets in, Heart beats fast,cold chills,begin to sweat,feet and hands go numb, taste of metal, ringing ears,everything to loud, you feel like everyone’s watching, witnessing your weakness, everyday it’s the same, you wish you didn’t care, that it didn’t feel like this,but it does, and it will for a long time,you try to reach out, but your slowly sinking, into a pit of darkness,scrambling for a hand to pull you out from its depths,but no on listens. Imagine feeling like your trapped in a world where you have no control over, I hate this, life is too unpredictable, I have no control over anything except the harm I cause myself . I hate feeling like I’m here but I’m not, like someone cares but they don’t,like I’m surviving but not living. I’m sick of feeling like a burden, I don’t want to tell anyone how I feel,but inside I’m dying and I feel like I’m about to explode, sometimes just the thought of facing the day,feels like broken glass in my soul. I feel so alone in the overwhelming world.

Nobody knows the real me, nobody knows how many times I have cried in my room when nobody was watching, nobody knows how many times I’ve lost hope, how many times I have been let down. Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice, it knows all your inLet me tell you how it feels , to worry all the time,to feel as if your trapped, a constant wall that stops you in your tracks and then the panic sets in, Heart beats fast,cold chills,begin to sweat,feet and hands go numb, taste of metal, ringing ears,everything to loud, you feel like everyone’s watching, witnessing your weakness, everyday it’s the same, you wish you didn’t care, that it didn’t feel like this,but it does, and it will for a long time,you try to reach out, but your slowly sinking, into a pit of darkness,scrambling for a hand to pull you out from its depths,but no on listens. Imagine feeling like your trapped in a world where you have no control over, I hate this, life is too unpredictable, I have no control over anything except the harm I cause myself . I hate feeling like I\’m here but I’m not, like someone cares but they don’t,like I’m surviving but not living. I’m sick of feeling like a burden, I don’t want to tell anyone how I feel,but inside I’m dying and I feel like I’m about to explode, sometimes just the thought of facing the day,feels like broken glass in my soul. I feel so alone in the overwhelming world.Nobody knows the real me, nobody knows how many times I have cried in my room when nobody was watching, nobody knows how many times I\’ve lost hope, how many times I have been let down. Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice, it knows all your insecurities and uses them against you, it gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room, the only voice you can hear. I try to hold myself together, I try to keep my sadness down, I tell myself I’m going to be okay, I tell my self I’m strong and can get through this, but how many more times do I have to lie to myself to believe it. My only relief is shutting down, when I’m shut down ,I’m not sad, I’m not angry,I’m not lonely, I’m not happy, I’m not hyper, I’m nothing. I push people away when all I really want is someone to tell me everything will be okay, and that they aren’t going anywhere no matter how hard i try and push them away. I feel so disconnected from this world. I want to be happy but something inside me screams that I don’t deserve to be. Why is everything I do wrong? My thoughts are destroying me. Wanting to ask for help, but not being able to find the words to, wanting to tell someone how I feel but having to do it through actions as I cant verbalise it, having to force myself to talk when really I don\’t feel comfortable doing so, forcing myself into situations that cause extreme anxiety when all you want to do is hide from anything that makes you anxious due to the high level of anxiety I face every day.\nI feel like I\’m drowning whilst everyone around me is breathing. I get nervous about everything, sometimes I literally don’t know why I’m anxious and no one seems to understand that. It\’s sad actually because my anxiety stops me enjoying things as much as I should at this age.I act like I’m fine, I run and joke around but deep inside I’m breaking down.My demons are coming back, the lock on their cage in my mind is rattling, they are reaching through the bars, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stop them again.Getting into trouble for not doing something I am supposed to, then getting frustrated because I want to, but my anxiety makes impossible.The truth is some days I don’t give it my best, I don’t even give it my all, I can only manage to give it my some and it’s not that great but I’m still here and I’m still trying so that’s gotta count for something right?How can I gain more control in a different way? This is a question I ask myself everyday but I am yet to find an answer… Someone help me gain control of this life.I’m sorry for being a nightmare I just get overwhelmed sometimes.securities and uses them against you, it gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room, the only voice you can hear. I try to hold myself together, I try to keep my sadness down, I tell myself I’m going to be okay, I tell my self I’m strong and can get through this, but how many more times do I have to lie to myself to believe it. My only relief is shutting down, when I’m shut down ,I’m not sad, I’m not angry,I’m not lonely, I’m not happy, I’m not hyper, I’m nothing. I push people away when all I really want is someone to tell me everything will be okay, and that they aren’t going anywhere no matter how hard i try and push them away. I feel so disconnected from this world. I want to be happy but something inside me screams that I don’t deserve to be. Why is everything I do wrong? My thoughts are destroying me. Wanting to ask for help, but not being able to find the words to, wanting to tell someone how I feel but having to do it through actions as I cant verbalise it, having to force myself to talk when really I don’t feel comfortable doing so, forcing myself into situations that cause extreme anxiety when all you want to do is hide from anything that makes you anxious due to the high level of anxiety I face every day.

I feel like I’m drowning whilst everyone around me is breathing. I get nervous about everything, sometimes I literally don’t know why I’m anxious and no one seems to understand that. It’s sad actually because my anxiety stops me enjoying things as much as I should at this age.

I act like I’m fine, I run and joke around but deep inside I’m breaking down.My demons are coming back, the lock on their cage in my mind is rattling, they are reaching through the bars, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stop them again.

Getting into trouble for not doing something I am supposed to, then getting frustrated because I want to, but my anxiety makes impossible.

The truth is some days I don’t give it my best, I don’t even give it my all, I can only manage to give it my some and it’s not that great but I’m still here and I’m still trying so that’s gotta count for something right?

How can I gain more control in a different way? This is a question I ask myself everyday but I am yet to find an answer… Someone help me gain control of this life.

I’m sorry for being a nightmare I just get overwhelmed sometimes.

I hate you, don’t leave me

I hate you, don’t leave me, I push you away when what I really want is for you to reach out to me. I say I no longer trust you, as a bid to get you to reach out to me, paranoid I have ruined our relationship, trying my best to put things right, but in reality I cant see the light. Losing trust in you, because you haven’t picked up on my cue, when in reality your just human, a fear of abandonment so strong, it breaks me everytime you don’t answer me. Sending message likes there is no tomorrow in the hope at some stage you will answer me, our relationship probably ruined for good, because my brain decided it needed to push you away. Please reach out to me, don’t leave me.

Autism and me

What is autism like for me?
Autism for me means intensity, everything is more intense every sound, every smell, every piece of social interaction.
Autism for me means, an overwhelming need for structure and routine and any change for me causing massive amounts of anxiety.
I often feel like I’m in a foreign country, with people I don’t understand, my own little world, my comfort blanket, my only sense of security, this is what autism is like for me.
Dogs predictable, comforting and something i feel a connection to something that almost seems impossible to achieve with humans.
Shutting off the world, people having to repeat what they say, this is what a bad day with autism is like for me.
Days where i can’t physically speak even to the people closest to me, you see speech doesn’t come naturally to me, I can’t verbalise my feelings easily, this is what autism is like for me.
Stressed, Pacing, trying to self soothe, you see this is something I need to settle as this is what autism means for me.
Very few friends due to the fact i struggle socially, you see this is the difficulties autism brings for me.
Needing constant reassurance due to my anxiety you see this is what autism means for me.
Meltdowns when things get to much, hurting the people closest to me, you see this is what autism causes for me.

My uncle 💔💔

2 months ago you left this world, you are no longer in any pain, but im sitting here wondering if the pain I’m feeling with you now gone will ever go away.
I’m so sad, i’m physically unable to cry, trying to carry on as normal and trying to stay strong, but every day that passes, it gets harder. What i wouldn’t give to hold you one more time, tell you i love you, and talk to you for hours like we used to. You were not just my uncle, you were one of my best friends, my biggest supporter and my hero. I just want to curl up in bed all day, but im so desperately trying to stay strong.
Its hit me like a ton a bricks, you’re gone, your never coming back, there is a whole in my chest the size of your fist. And there’s fragments of glass, lodged in my throat, making every breath harder and everyword a little bit shakier. There is a storm forming behind my eye lids, threatening to pour. My heart has shattered and the closest broom feels a thousand miles away. Trying to act okay and act like im not struggling when actually i feel like my whole world is crumbling around me, my heart is broken beyond repair while time might ease the pain that hole will always be there. You always meant so much to me and always will do, i cant imagine going through the rest of my life without you by my side, i guess all i can do is strive to make you proud. Usually you help me through the toughest of times and this is so hard not having you hear by my side.
A beautiful memory dearer than gold of an uncles whose worth can never be told. There is a whole in my heart, no one can fill. I miss you uncle and always will. The 29th of april would have been your birthday and this day will never be same, what i wouldn’t give to celebrate it with you again.

HOW DO I FEEL

How do I feel? I wish I knew

I feel so empty yet so full of emotion, like the smallest thing could push me over the edge. What do you do when there is nothing but pain left inside you, and what of everything we where looking for only existed in our dreams, how do you explain something you don’t even know yourself. I think I hit the point in life where I’m just done, I cried, I thought, I tried but everything is crashing down, my demons are screaming louder trying to eat away the rest of me, and this time I’m not sure I’m strong enough to fight back

Do you ever getting the feeling that this life isn’t yours? That you have no control? That everyone around you is living and your just breathing, watching and waiting? This is my everyday right now.

Everything seems to be exhausting me, not matter how much sleep I get or how long I lay down, something inside of me seems to have given up, my soul is tired. I realise that I have stopped living life. I’m literally just trying to get to the next day, I’m not living I’m waiting but I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for, I’m kinda scared of what it might be

I have this overwhelming anger hanging over me, anger that he’s no longer here, anger that I didn’t see him for a while before he took his last breaths, trying to find someone to blame but knowing it’s nobody’s fault. Today I cannot find peace, I’m heart broken. I don’t know how to react to this situation part of me wants to isolate myself, part of me wants to kick off, part of me wants to be good, but all of me knows nothing I do will bring him back which is ultimately what all of me wants, this is all just confusing.
I hate the feeling when I really don’t have any emotion, I feel so empty, I’m not happy, I’m not sad I’m nothing, my mind is spinning but I can’t feel anything.
I wasn’t ready for him to leave I really wasn’t, i get home from college to be told he is gone. A piece of my heart is now missing a piece so very special, when he died it was the biggest shock of my life, nothing prepared me for it, I live each day wondering how I will get through but then I remember he would want me to. I’m sick of having to act strong when inside I’m breaking down.

I’m sorry for being a pain I just don’t know how to react to the situation I’m currently in.Someone help me work out how to deal with this.

Autism and covid 19

A little change, my heart starts racing, my anxiety hits full force, reassurance needed to realise this small change isn’t the end of the world and that i can handle it. Lockdown causes my whole world to change, constantly on edge, feeling like I’m drowning from all the uncertainty around me, not knowing how to cope, anxiety sky high, starting to shut down, no college, no one to go to when things get too much,having to work from home,all proves more overwhelming, tolerance level decreases, all to much for me to deal with, terrified of failing but convinced i am going to fail,trying to find a new way of living with no certainty about when things will go back to normal whilst trying to deal with mental health issues at the same time,no one gets how hard it is to act strong all the time. Sometimes being autistic is a massive curse, especially when there is so much change going on throughout the whole earth.

Wanting to talk

Why is it so hard to explain to people exactly how I feel? Wanting to talk to someone but not knowing how to ask to. Being so anxious about upcoming events that I’m mentally drained but not knowing how to explain it to people. Exams, work experience, the thought of it all is causing me massive anxiety, but I don’t want to admit it as it makes me feel weak. Worried I will either not get into my exams or if I will put so much pressure on myself I will crack and still fail. Not trying seems like the easiest option because if I try and then fail I will take it really hard and then stop trying anyway and not trying will cause me less pain. I don’t know how to get over my fear of failing, to decrease the chance of failing. I really want to pass my exams this year, I want it more than anything, yet I don’t know how to get it. It’s extremely frustrating. I wish I could just make my fear of failure go away.

Social anxiety

In a crowd, feeling like you’re going to suffocate, feeling like everything is closing in on you, your whole body going tense, ringing in your ears, head feels like its spinning, trying to hold back a panic attack, not wanting to look weak, not being able to speak. Feeling like everyone is staring at you, judging you, seeing you as weak, feeling like your losing feeling in your hands and feet. Your adrenaline is pumping, your heart is beating fast, wanting to run away but not being able to move, trying so hard to self soothe.
Desperately wanting to socialise but that little voice in your head telling you just to stay in bed, thinking you can hear people calling your name, then realising that its just in your head. Trying to silence that voice in your head, wanting a break from the constant whirlwind of thoughts going around your head. Making excuses for not doing things that make you anxious when really its just because you cannot fight that voice in your head.
Needing constant reassurance from the people you trust, needing to know they are there, constantly saying sorry because you are worried about losing the few people you like the best.